Entertaining Speaker #1 - The Entertaining Speech
Red Van!
It’s all my fault really, because of my terrible sense of direction
As a kid, I never knew where I was at, or how to get where I was going.
I couldn’t navigate the one mile straight down the road to church
Mom asked me recently how I managed to drive myself to Rochester
But I’m getting ahead of myself
I’m romantically relationally inept. Sure, I have good friends, both male and female
But when it comes to dating, romance, wooing women, I’m no good.
Some might say it’s personality; Freudian theory might say I had mother issues
But I think it’s because I didn’t know how to get from point A to point B, even at the age of 17
My Jr. year in high school, going on my first real date, with Stephanie, from work
Our mutual friend Claudine had set us up, really
Stephanie was cute, with long curly blond hair, fair skin, and a nice smile
I wanted to go out to dinner somewhere nice, and to a 17 yr old Indiana boy, the Spaghetti Factory was high society.
However, the restaurant was located across the river!
For reasons I no longer remember, crossing the Ohio River from IN to KY was a Big Deal
And having no idea of where I was at, generally, much less where I was going, I was even more hesitant to attempt that drive
But I had to know how to get the restaurant
So I asked, marbles-in-my-mouth mumbly, my mom to show me how to get there
We had two cars then, a two door, blue Honda Civic hatchback, and a full-size, red Chevy van
My dad drove the Honda to work, so we took the red van that afternoon
Drove across the river
Mom showed where I could park on a Saturday evening, and then how to get from the garage to the restaurant, and then made sure I knew how to get back home as well
My mom was taking no chances – in the back of her mind she had visions of me lost somewhere in TN
Saturday, I was ready. Have car, will travel.
I called the restaurant to make reservations.
They don’t take reservations. Ok, no problem
I start to get ready
I had never ironed before, but I was determined to look good, I was intent on ironing my shirt. Took me an hour. (You know a guy is attracted to a woman when he will contend with ironing boards)
Finally, the shirt succumbed to my ironing, I finished dressing and left to pick up Stephanie
Oh, in case you were worried, I took the Honda Civic for the date. Parents seem to have issues about boys picking up their dates in vans. I don’t know. Anyhow, I had the Civic, which I preferred anyway.
I picked up Stephanie at her house, then drove confidently across The River into KY as if I had been doing it my entire life. My mom was at home praying that I wasn’t halfway to TX right now.
We arrived without event, Stephanie duly impressed by my incredible sense of direction and ability to navigate the big city. We walked to the restaurant. Unfortunately, it was about a 45 min wait for seats. It was a comfortable Fall evening, so I suggested we go the nearby mall and pass the time there. We walked down to it, but it was closed. I’m starting to get a little anxious.
We walk back to the restaurant. Still a good wait. This is not going according to plan. We decide to drive back towards home and find somewhere else to eat.
As we’re walking back to the garage, out of nowhere, a full-size, red Chevy van comes barreling down the empty road, some maniac woman hanging out the passenger window shouting, and the male driver barely watching the road, yelling nearly incoherently as well.
My date was surprised by these yahoos. I was a deer, frozen in the headlights. I stared, mouth agape for a moment, then my legs give out and I collapse on the sidewalk. Stephanie looks at me, puzzled. "What’s wrong? Do you know what that was about?"
I look up at her and gasp, "Those…were my parents!"
(Mr. Toastmaster)
