#5 - Vocal Variety

Laughing at the Dead

Surviving Grief and Supporting the Suffering

  1. Introduction
    1. Final night with Kenny
      1. Nov 28, 1998
      2. Earlier – paid for pizza with car money
        1. Finally Kenny paid for something
        2. Great party he is throwing
      3. His favorite band, Phish, was playing
      4. We were having a party for Kenny
      5. Watching "Armageddon" with Brad
      6. Surrounded by friends and family
      7. Kenny is in other room comatose from Brain Cancer
      8. We took turns sitting at his side, talking to him and around him
      9. Nov 29, 1 am: I was at his side when he took his last gasp
    2. Why give this talk
      1. You will face suffering
      2. I want to share wisdom gained by experience
      3. Hope to help out a bit when you face these events
    3. How to use this
      1. Dealing with a loss yourself
      2. Supporting someone else who is grieving
      3. Grappling with suffering from other sources
        1. Chronic illness
        2. Major romantic loss
        3. Serious depression
  2. How to help yourself
    1. Mourn the Dead
      1. Recognize the reality of grief
        1. Lam 3:8-13 "Even when I cry out and call for help, He shuts out my prayer. He has blocked my ways with hewn stone; He has made my paths crooked. He is to me like a bear lying in wait, Like a lion in secret places. He has turned aside my ways and torn me to pieces; He has made me desolate. He bent His bow and set me as a target for the arrow. He made the arrows of his quiver to enter into my inward parts."
        2. Job 3:3, 11, 24-26 "Let the day perish on which I was to be born…Why did I not die at birth, come forth from the womb and expire?…For my groaning comes at the sight of my food, and my cries pour out like water. For what I fear comes upon me, and what I dread befalls me. I am not at ease, nor am I quiet, and I am not at rest, but turmoil comes."
      2. Express your loss
        1. Cry
        2. Read grievous Psalms
        3. Journal your feelings
        4. Shout
        5. Talk
        6. Run until exhausted
    2. Laugh at the Dead
      1. We tell Kenny jokes
      2. I'm the favorite son now, without doubt
      3. Technically Chrissy is the youngest child, we still treat her as the middle child
      4. Mom and Chrissy rejoice that Kenny no longer forces them to watch The Simpsons
      5. Remember skiing in Jackson Hole
      6. Gave Chrissy Niagara pictures for wedding
    3. Rejoice in the death
      1. Rev 21:3-4 "…Behold, the [dwelling] of God is among men, and He shall [live] among them, and they shall be His people, and God Himself shall be among them, and He shall wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there shall no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away."
      2. Kenny knew Christ
      3. I actively remind myself that he is with God now
    4. Pursue God
      1. Why is there pain?
        1. I don't know
        2. Matt 26:38, 39 "…My soul is deeply grieved, to the point of death…My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; yet not as I will, but as Thou wilt."
        3. God did not change everything right then
          1. Christ to died a physically painful death
          2. Suffered full wrath of God
          3. Separated from God (relationally)
        4. I know that Christ suffered – God didn't change things for that instance
        5. God knows there is pain
        6. It isn't allowed flippantly, wantonly
      2. Pray
      3. Read Bible
      4. Go to bible study
      5. Go to church
  3. How to help others
    1. Be proactive
      1. Easy to forget to suffer with the suffering (1 Cor 12:26) "And if one member suffers, all the members suffer with it…"
      2. The mourning lack strength
      3. Make an effort to identify and meet their needs
      4. Practical Actions
        1. Dinner
        2. Visit
        3. Send a card
        4. Friend of family took us to a rock-climbing gym
    2. Listen, ask, speak
      1. It helps just to talk things out at times
        1. Beware of long-term bitterness
      2. Ask questions to help the person express themselves
        1. How do you feel?
        2. What angers you the most?
        3. What are good memories you have?
      3. Beware of flippant answers to profound questions
        1. Romans 8:28 "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."
      4. Analogy to climbing Mt. Everest
        1. Summiting Everest is simple: "Just climb it"
        2. Accomplished climber says that, with a wealth of experience beneath words
        3. Foolish for non-climber to say that
        4. Dealing with grief is simple: "God loves you"
        5. One who has grieved understands the depth to that
        6. Inexperienced sound flippant, naïve
    3. Be persistent
      1. Grief can last years
      2. A Chronically ill person's sickness doesn't vanish
      3. Grief lasts years
      4. Heartbreak can take months, years to heal
  4. Conclusion
    1. You aren't crazy – grief can take a long time
    2. Allow yourself to work it out
    3. Find ways to distract and entertain them
    4. Offer the opportunity and space for the grieving to express themselves
    5. It is better to poorly express your support than not try at all
    6. Your friends will appreciate the effort